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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.