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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.