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There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.