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The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"