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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.