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My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.