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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.