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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Please do not read this.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.