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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.