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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.