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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.