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I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.