Daily Silly Status

I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.

Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...

I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.

Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...

Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.

I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.

A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.

My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.

I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".

most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)