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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.