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Happy people don`t take long showers.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.