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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Is Nudeism a religion?
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!