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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.