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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.