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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.