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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.