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Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.