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If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.