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Does this status update make me look fat?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I laugh in the face of normal.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.