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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.