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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.