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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.