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Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.