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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.