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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....