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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.