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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.