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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.