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Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying