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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.