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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.