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I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-