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People will do odd things to get even.
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
and alcohol are now friends.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.