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I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."