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WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.