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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"