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Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
Some of my best memories are naps.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on