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I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.