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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.