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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.