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I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.