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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.