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Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.