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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.