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My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them