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Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.