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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."