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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone