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“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.