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Let`s sleep in until it`s time to go to bed again
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
It takes balls to be a man.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.