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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.