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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.