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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/