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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?