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The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Don`t believe everything you think.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?