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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?