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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.