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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.