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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.