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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...