Daily Silly Status

Survival rule #1: You go first.

Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.

I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?

The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.

Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."

I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.

A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...

Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”