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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.