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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.