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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.