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If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.