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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Match dot com, but for socks.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.