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Keep calm and drink on.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL