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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.