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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?