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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.