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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.