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Before the internet I used to like people.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.