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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..