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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?