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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!