Daily Silly Status

I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.

Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.

There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.

How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?

Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi

I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.

My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.

Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.

I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.

Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.

Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands

The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.