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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.