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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?