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It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.