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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?