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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.