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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?