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What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent