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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."