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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Never trust a skinny chef
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.