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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.