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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.