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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?