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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.