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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.