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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Girls just wanna have funds.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.