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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic