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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.