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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.