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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!