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Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
I wish I had a friend like me
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.