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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
It needs more cowbell!!
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.