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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I just made you think of an elephant
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Some people should come with subtitles.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.