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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”