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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.