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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!