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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.