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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.