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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!