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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!