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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Better late than pregnant.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"