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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.