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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work