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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
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Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.