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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
It´s never to late to be happy
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.