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I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.