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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.