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Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.