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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.