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Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch