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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!