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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.