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Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.