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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"