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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.