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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.