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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.